This article was originally published on March 14, 2021. How dating apps have changed our love lives, for better
In January 2020, shortly before the COVID-19 pandemic gripped most of the world, reducing our social and romantic lives to (mis)adventures on the web, Dante, 27, downloaded Tinder, Bumble and Hinge, the three dating apps recommended by his friends. Dante wanted to meet people, have fun and “wasn’t trying to look for quick hookups.”
Within a year, Dante had gone to more than 60 meetings with varying degrees of success. On some of his dates, he never texted (“The vibe just wasn’t there.”) Later, he was “ghosted” when his Hinge girlfriend of two months cut off all communication with him without ever explaining why. Alas, he was also baffled when he discovered another date was using photos from five years ago. “I didn’t even recognize her!” he says.
As described by a scientist at the Kinsey Institute for the Study of Sex, Gender, and Reproduction, Internet dating is one of the most significant events in the evolution of human reproduction in human history (second only to the time when Homo sapiens became a non-migratory species, something like ten thousand years ago). And according to a Stanford study, in 2017, about 40 percent of heterosexual couples and 60 percent of same-sex couples in the US met online. This makes online dating the most common way American couples now meet, even before social distancing-related spikes in dating app signups happened.
Finding love with online dating apps
Elisabeth Timmermans, Belgian researcher and author of Love in the age of Tinder explains that online dating dates back to the 1990s and the rise of the Internet. “It was reserved for nerds who had a computer and you had to be at home behind these huge screens that you couldn’t take anywhere,” says Timmermans. “Chances were you were talking to someone who lived across the country or even across the continent.”
Read more: Why are we addicted to love?
The first location-based apps changed that. Grindr launched in 2009 and helped single, often anonymous gay men connect by searching for other active users within a certain geographic radius. Then, with the launch of Tinder in 2012, smartphone-owning people of all sexualities could start looking for love, sex or casual dates in their area, and it quickly became the most popular platform on the market.
There is no shortage of online dating apps available today. The most famous hookup app, especially among younger people, remains Tinder with its popular “swipe” feature: online participants use swipes to the right or left to “like” or “dislike” photos of other users (if you each swipe right on the other person—that’s a match). Tinder now reports 1.6 billion swipes and 26 million matches per day.
Bumble is America’s second favorite app, and its swipe feature comes with a catch: whenever there’s a match, only users who identify as female can tweet first. Some apps like Hinge have removed the swipe feature entirely, and instead users spark a conversation with someone they care about by liking their photo or commenting on a prompt on their profile, such as “my life goal” or “the most spontaneous thing I’ve ever done.” ”
Dating apps Plenty of Fish, Match.com and OKCupid are also among them Top 10 in the US and are generally thought to be more suitable for romance than Tinder. Then there’s senior dating for those who find love later in life; FarmersOnly for country romance; A celebrity paradise; on the infamous ashley madison for affairs; and Marry Me Already, probably for those tired of the dating scene, virtual or otherwise.
But experts warn that while the number of dating apps is increasing, our ability to have meaningful romantic interactions online may not be adapting as quickly.
Do online dating apps work?
Design is an aesthetic property of an object that implies its function. A door tells you how to use it the way it looks; there is a knob that you can push, pull or turn. And with dating apps, design helps people interpret how to use it. Built-in features on Tinder and other apps make it easy for users to start a conversation — but just as easy to never follow or “ghost” a person, Timmermans explains.
In his Tinder study, Timmermans asked anonymous respondents about how they use the app. “Losing all contact with the person of interest has become so normalized that most of the respondents wrote that ‘ghosting is part of online dating,'” says Timmermans.
Studies show that social rejection of any kind activates the same pain pathways in the brain as physical pain (according to some studies the pain it causes can be treated with Tylenol), so the “happening” mindset may not work with those who have experienced multiple cases of their dates becoming ghosts. And without a common social network connecting two strangers, it became much easier to just drop everything and disappear without any consequences.
Sofia, 27, has been using Hinge and Bumble for three years and says she finds matching easy. The hard part? “The Boring Conversations.”
“Don’t ask me what my favorite color is, because I’ll make you a ghost,” Sofia says.
And moving to “Casper” is made easy with a seemingly endless list of potential matches in apps that can make it seem like there’s always someone better than the current date. If you find a flaw (no matter how minor) that causes you to suddenly lose interest, there are still plenty of suitors waiting for you on the phone.
“The more options you have, the more superficial your criteria will be,” says Timmermans.
The (psychological) dating game
The abundance of dating options, complete with bright lights, loud sounds, and fast-paced little graphics, make the apps feel like playing a game. In fact, online dating apps involve areas of the brain that turn them into a kind of sport, releasing endorphins with every match or text notification.
Because users don’t know which swipe will bring the match reward, apps like Tinder use a variable ratio reward schedule, meaning your matches will be randomly scattered. This is the same reward system used in Las Vegas slot machines and even during animal experiments researchers train pigeons constantly peck the light on the wall.
Dating sites aim to get users to swipe, view their ads (on Tinder you might accidentally swipe right on an ad), and pay monthly fees for extra features that are supposed to make it easier to find matches, like Bumble Boost (which costs up to $25 per month and adds 24 hours to the time users have to break the ice with their match).
At the height of the swiping craze in 2015, Tinder began limiting the amount of daily right swipes to 100 for users who did not purchase their premium TinderPlus service (up to $30 per month). But according to research from the Norwegian University of Science and Technology, most users mostly just swipe, and only 50 percent of Tinder users have actually met one or more of their matches. In fact, Timmermans says the number one reason her respondents cite for using the apps is to “pass the time.”
Sofia says that for her, gliding acts as a temporary relief from self-doubt. “Sometimes when I’m drunk or emotional, I like to drink and it makes me feel better,” she says. “Seeing someone compare to you or send you a compliment boosts your self-esteem, if only for that brief moment.”
But the fast track to confidence that apps offer isn’t permanent, and some users, like Dante, feel overwhelmed after months of swiping and messaging. “It got to a point with dating apps where I just burned out after a year. I started to feel bad, like I was doing something wrong,” he says. “Because after a thousand games, after a thousand conversations, I stopped trying.”
According to Pew Research Centerhigher shares of Americans who currently use dating sites or apps or who have done so in the past year say the experience has left them feeling more frustrated (45 percent) than hopeful (28 percent), citing among other things, a lack of personal and emotional connections, safety concerns, a focus on hookups, and “too many options.”
Love at first swipe
But there is hope. Amanda Kusek, 33, met her boyfriend Frank on Tinder in 2015 – he was her first date on the app (she only had two dates on the dating app). “The thing that was attractive about Frank was that we talked a little bit and then he said ‘let’s meet in person’ right away,” Kusek says. “I had so many conversations that dragged on for so long. But why don’t you just want to remove things from the app?”
In August 2020, Kusek proposed to his boyfriend on the balcony of his mother’s house in Connecticut. “In a weird way, we’re proud of how we met. My mom even bought us a pillow that said “We met on Tinder.”
In 2012, researchers from the University of Chicago found that online couples have a lower divorce rate than partners who meet offline. They also found that more anonymous online communications lead to greater self-disclosure — and stronger feelings of attachment — than face-to-face communications, laying the groundwork for more lasting relationships.
“Research shows that we can build relationships with each other just based on online interactions,” says Timmermans. “In fact, online people tend to share more intimate details than IRL [in real life].”
Hayley Quinn is a London-based dating coach and says that even a simple change in attitude can dramatically improve people’s online dating experience. “Apps reflect human behavior,” says Quinn. “If you start with the attitude that nobody wants anything real anymore, that’s going to be your story. You have to increase your own motivation to meaningfully engage with these platforms.”
Quinn suggests that her clients take time out of their day to use the apps instead of “swiping while watching Netflix,” and optimize their dating profiles so that photos are well-lit, captions aren’t generic, and opening messages are are specific to the person they match with. (No hello or hey!)
Meeting your partner online can be different from the classic rom-com date that ends in a tense chase at the airport or a whimsical kiss in the rain. But it is far from without romance.
Rachel, 26, knows many people who have met their long-term partners online. “I have a friend who met her husband on Hinge. But when she tells people how they met, she doesn’t just say it was “on the app.” Instead, she says, “While I was going through hundreds of guys’ profiles a day, he was the only one that stood out. I mean, when you think about it, what are the odds of that happening?”